B is for Boat Race. B is for Bollocks

Wednesday the 30th of March 2005

When ITV bought the rights to Formula One, all kinds of people kicked up a fuss about there being breaks inbetween the race.
"But we'll miss all the good bits" they cried."We'll miss Schumacher starting the race in pole position then winning it a few hours later with that stupid clenched fist celebration he does while he's driving along". One hand in the air,the other pouring himself a glass of champagne while smugly driving along at 300 MPH with no hands on the wheel.

Anyway, when ITV bought the boat race rights this year,who gave a toss??

No one,because the boat race is crap!!

The boat race was designed to show off the two uni's who think they are the best in England being upper class tossers down a river.

Now I'm not saying rowing is crap or easy because it's bloody not. And rowing in the olympics is ok to watch as we always win. So it can be entertaining.

It's just a snobs competition that only snobs,single mums and people who really should get out more watch. It's boring,its crap and the only reason it's still here is because of tradition.

And what the hell are these people reading that they can give up so much of their time to train for this?? Really? Do they not have any essays to do? "

No bollocks to that,we'll pack a picnic darling and go for a row"

Yeah ok,one year a bloke nearly blacked out they get really tired. Bless. I dont expect they did much exercise when they were in their priviliged cottages when they were a kid. Apart from maybe lifting daddys wallet or walking to the end of their 2 acre back garden.

Anyway the boat race.... I think this article will only offend one or two people anyway. If it does,tough. It's crap it's pointless and they could have shown another James Bond repeat instead. And who's the lucky git who gets to sit with the mic at the front yell "ROW ROW" for 20 minutes non-stop. Thats a cushdy job isnt it? I shudder to think of the training he must have to go through for that one!!!

Of course it could be made more intresting. have a round of 'University Challenge' first. When a member of the team gets a question correct he jumps into the boat. When all four are in the boat off you go. Or like 'Scrapheap Challenge' they could mke the boat first,then soon as it's done sail off in it and see if it works. Or all be dressed as ducks like 'It's a Knockout', then have to run down with the boat and jump into it.

But no,it's a pointless race between snobs to see who's the best. And no matter how fit they have to be,a fit snob is still a snob and therefore a tosser.

But maybe my views are a bit strong so I asked random people on MSN their views.....

Ali
"A change for some sheltered posh uni students to race down some dodgey coloured lake in something that is supposed to resemble a boat"

Hawkes
"It's was ARCHAIC (What a word!!! Basically means crap - Gareth)"

Swadey
"One letter Zzzzzz"

Tays
"The boat race is a boring waste of time"

There you go. If you like it then good for you,I admire you. (I actually dont but it will keep you off my back saying that)

Course now thats got me in the mood.....

People who go out with someone and then two days later declare their love in their MSN name or ..even better then that they turn their MSN profile box from 'Single' or 'Undisclosed' to 'Long-Term Relationship'

Classic. Obviously blokes never do it,they dont have the 'emotional depth' as women call it. It's proper name is actually
'Imsodesperateforaboyfriendandi'vegotoneandthewholdworldmustknowaboutit'

There's about 4 different people who are on my contacts alone who have done this. I dont fancy them but very few things will piss me off more then claiming 48 hours = a long term relationship.

However for some females,48 hours is a long time for them so well done if you last that long! Try for 72!!

Um what else is there... People who make computer viruses deliberatly. I've had two recently,one from Benny and on from my brother. And before anyone says "Should have checked what it was first" think too yourself exactly if I confronted the 45 year old thin as a rake glass wearing Dungeons and Dragons,living with his parents still virgin about why he did it,what would he say??

"Well its not my fault if you dont check what it is first"

Do you really want to be in that crowd??

Anyway why should I? I regularly (and rather ironically) recieve files from them both. Why did you make the fucking thing??? What is it a private war against Microsoft and Bill Gates?? yeah good one. Luckily after 2 hours of staying up till 1AM I was able to delete it and reinstall all my software back on ~ It was that serious. And the TV I have in my pc wont tune in for some reason which is something I now have to waste my time looking about at.

Anyway any constructive comments leave at the bottom if you like. If you didnt like reading it then question yourself on why you took till the end of the article to decide this and didnt piss off sooner. Then piss off,dont leave a comment. I'll just delete it!!

Yeah now I feel better....really need some sleep!!!!

Word of the Day - Archaic
Song of the Day - Cheap Trick - I want you to want me

Byeeeeeeeeeee

Staying down and Staying Up!!

Thursday the 24th March

Pranks
Staying Up
6th Form Party
Staying down here
Swade's Visit



Firstly apologies to Tays who it's going to look like I've copied him...I just need to write down things I want to talk about before I forget about them. As he also told me how to get pics up here's another link to his site


http://tays9.blogspot.com

Excellent,now I'm guilt free

Pranks

Being in an all guys flat you might expect the odd 'Jape' (trib any standard theasaurus) to go on. Roll on a top 5 pranks performed so far.....

5. Making fun of Marco because he's Italian/Larry because he's short

To the untrained eye this may look like bullying,and theres already been a few comments aimed at me that I'm a git for doing it. However these comments come from people who arent recieving the attention they crave and are simply jealous (possibly). Larry and Marco dont really care (I hope) and as a reward I'll stick up two of the worst conditioned photos you'll ever see in your life.



Jokes at Larry mostly consist of him being a borrower (As in the little people,not a theiving git) ,him falling down a crack which is why he's late most times and my personal fav

"Larry,stop laughing,if you fall off your seat you'll never survive that drop"




Jokes at Marco will usually just include "Thats not the way we do things in England" etc etc

4. Cooking
Jamie's the best at this one,when someones cooking and leaves the room for a moment,take their food out the oven etc and hide it on top the fridge,cupboards etc. Simple but incredibly funny to watch

3.Ironing board
Rich put the ironing board under Jamies matress. For three days Jamie couldnt sleep properly and had no idea why until he made his bed a few days later and found it. I think his exact words were "You Bastards" but im not entirely sure

2. Anything Trolley related

(i) When someone leaves their bedroom open after they've gone out,when they come back 9 times out of 10 there will be a massive ASDA trolley in it,full of the weeks rubbish in 9 or so massive binliners,smelling the place up. Make no mistake it is a bitch to get out,taking a good 5 mins of your time up

(ii)When the persons either asleep or working in their room,silently block up their entrance with the trolley,settees and coffee table. Then announce that your all off to the pub.

(iii) With the rubbish bags in the trolley lean it against someones closed door,then knock on it screaming for help and hide.

1. Not the best prank,but the funniest by far. Rob mentioned he only had 4 pairs of underwear left before we were set to go out one night. Que me and Rich going into his unlocked room and stealing all 4 pairs,leaving Rob knocking on our doors an hour later with that "I've just got out the shower and realised what you bastards have done" look about him. Good old Bobby,he loves a prank long as he's not the victim.

In fairness he did get us back by putting "Squezzy Cheese" all over our door handles next day....


A better one then 5 would prob be Jamie who convinced me that the pen he used to draw a robber mask on me for his art prject would come off,in his own words "Straight away".

Off course it didnt, I had a field trip the next day and had to go after several scrubs with a faded robber mask outline all over my eyes making me look like a complete prick.

Yeah thats better then 5 but it took me ages to scan those pics in so not changing that now.

Staying Up - Southampton FC, well worth a bet on them to stay up and finish higher then Portsmouth this year!!! Altho I dont actively support them,I live 2 mins away from ground and have seen a couple of games and like most people would love to see them stay up,if not only so I could go to Highbury one last time next year.

The 6th form party was quality,despite my fears coming true. For the 3rd time in a row I was denied a Guiness hat because JD Weatherspoons are basically tossers.
I got in there around 8pm and imediately asked if there were any hats
"No mate,we ordered more this year but they've still all gone"

Yeah nice to see the staff still got theirs - Did they drink 5 pints of Guiness,I think not. And I could only see another 4 hats belonging to customers there.

"Better get more hats this year, last year 8 wasn't enough"
"OK make it 10 then"

Typical, theres only one town which universally attracts drunks,chavs and townies and I was drinking in it.

Meeting up with everyone again was quality. However I was on a limited time and budget limit and after 3 vodka's realised it wasnt the way to go. Cue the standard tacky bottle of Red for £6 which I ended up having to down in the end. Vile stuff but it did the job. I recall spending most of the eve on the pole with Mounty which is just as good a way as any to spend it I guess...

After walking Swade back (a good mile out my way) I finally get in at 3 and check train times. It results in me leaving at 5am to get the earliest train back. I try to sleep on the train but am disturbed by an OAP woman conductor who insists on putting a newspaper under my feet as I have them resting on a chair,despite the fact they are clean.

Because of this,the extra elevation causes my railcard to fall out my pocket so now I've lost that for the minute,meaning I have to explain this back at Southampton at 7am.......

Anyway thats going to be my last activity in Trow for a while. I'm staying up here to catch up with my work over Easter and try and get a job,due to a tight budget and want to sort all my notes out. Jamies up here too (Cue stupidly oversized pic)...



So it's quite cool and Rich left his room open. What a ledge,it gives me full access to his quality comedy DVD collection.

Ledge



And it's not been too bad, Swade left today after staying for a few days which was a laugh. As he's on a gap year,he experienced Budget shopping at ASDA,mastering the art of doing sod all all day and Jamie drawing a moustache on my face while I was asleep.

However as he's mentioned a contreversial story on his blog (www.Swade.blogspot.com)
I feel I have to put my view of it across.

We were playing on the Playstation version of "Who wants to be a Millionaire" competing it out against one another. I get this as £200 question

What would you use to play Cannesta with?

A.Dice B.Cards
C.Coins D.Counters

Thats a £200 qustion there of course. Yeah like hell is it!! I've seen the show,It's usually "What colour is a pig" or something like that.

If your reading it now,and your not Swade,do you honestly know the answer?

No course you dont!!!

Dont bullshit me you dont!!!

Anyway after swearing at Tarrant I consider my options.

50/50 - Useless
Audience - Better for harder questions
Friend - If its a £200 question,they'll probably know it.

"Hello Sarah,it's Chris Tarrant here"
"Hi Chris (woman,Jamaican accent prob around 30-40"
"4 possible answers,your friend needs the right one"
"Cannesta... I remember that,it's that game where you throw Dice and have to get two Sixes. Thats the answer"

Now if your friend needed your help,and you blatently didnt know the answer,what would you do??

A. Tell them and apologise
B. LIE - Guess wildly at an answer and then bluff your way into convincing them your right.

Guess which she had fucking done....

WHY DO ALL WOMEN LIE TO ME!!!!

She'd even told me how to play the fucking game for god sake!! Of course im going to go with that answer.

Bloody typical. Of course Swade loved it and got to the million question with 50-50 and audience left. After limiting himself to 2 answers,he was about to go for the wrong one...

I stood waiting to laugh at him as it turned orange and then...

The game froze!!! Absolutely typical.

Song of the Day - Looking back over my shoulder - Mike and the mechanics!!
Word of the Day - Cannesta

Byeeeeeeee

P.s The answer was 'Cards'

Wednesday the 2nd of March 2005.

Just realised it's my sisters birthday so going to ring her quickly before I do anything.

Ok... I havent posted for a while - well 15 day or so. I dont think thats a long time personally. (Not for a dog anyway,its only two days...).

Sidenote:Why do dogs age so quickly anyway?? Genuinly dont know.. someone can leave the answer in my comments section after I'd be most gratful.

Anywho I've got a good reason for not posting this time, I've had to move flats. No longer do I reside in Flat 401 but now I live in 502.

"Why Gareth,I thought you loved flat 401"

Hi there Jimmy,you're right I did.. but events went out of hand....

Firstly JP and Sarah left.. Cant blame them,they'd had enough. The heater,shower,door scenario had all got too much and they demanded to move for free instead of hte usual £50 charge. Which is fair enough and it happened. They now live in 402 together as a little couple and I'm v pleased for them as they are so perfect for each another.

They asked me and Rich (or Richard and I if your upper class) if we wanted to join them but it didnt seem right and 401 was now starting to turn into our own flat. Helen was usually away at her boyfriends or parents and so we could have the guys up here most nights. One night we decorated the place up and had it looking amazing.


Anyway,that was the last time we were happy in 401,as Helen came back and started to annoy us again. It came to a head 2 Thursdays ago...

Thursday is my busiest day - a proper 9 -5 day. Mind you its not got that much competition as I only go in Thurs and Fri- giving me a 5 day weekend. Thats right, you all work Mon - Fri and I just pop up for two days. AND im better looking then you as well. Is there any justice in the world!!

Anyway I'd come home shattered around half 4 as lectures finished early. I usually try and sneak in a power nap before Simpsons and today was no different. However I could only hear Helens big deep booming annoying voice thru my wall. Pretty soon I cottoned on she was planning on moving as she was on the phone and said
"Do you want to get packed,we're all moving"

Which is fairly acedemic therefore. I couldnt believe it. I was overjoyed.

Those more astute readers will know I posted up about Helen and how she got on my nerves,but I took it down out of pity. More on this later....

Any way I text Rich and Rob and soon thy are in my room similairly overjoyed. Helen has wrote on the fridges magnets "Stop nicking my stuff" . Again this will be mentioned later but needless to say that we hadnt. I write in response "F*ck Off" Obviously there was a u there as they dont do star shaped magnets but hteres possibly young kids reading this. Incidently if there are, if you type '5318008' into a calculator and turn it upside down,you get 'boobies'. Hours of entertainment there.

Sidenote: I've just gone in the kitchen and Rob had has coffee and sugar in a cup waiting for the water to boil for his coffee. Being the prankster I am I filled the cup up ith whipped cream. Rob has just knocked on my door to thank me for the best coffee he's ever had. I tried some and it was lovely...what I'm saying is if you're ever im that situation and your torn between putting in cream or lard,think what starbucks would do.

Anyway,where am I? Ok..im my room with Rich and Rob celebrating. We whack on Tom Hark at full volume and stat dancing.I yell out "The witch is going" . Apparently all this makes Helen cry.....

Me and Rob go shopping to celebrate and while we are I get a missed call from Rich. I presume it's nothing and leave it...

When we come back,Rich greets us with bad news. Helen isnt allowed to move. Even worse is the fact that her friend has been allowed to move up to 401 instead.

I didnt know a lot about Alice. She came into our flat with the rest of the guys once at 2am pissed,started going on about how badly we treat Helen and how much Helen complains about us,before falling asleep on our sofa and refusing to get up when the rest left. As a result I had to leave a saucpan on 'Standby' (Where was I going to get a bucket from at 2am?) and leave her there with a spare quilt I had.

...Just got back from football training,didnt play bad for unfit person,scoring two goals,both easy enough,a left foot nutmeg from tightish angle and left foot volley from 10 yards after a keeper mistake. I'm nothing like as fit as I used to be tho..


Anyway back to the story.Rich seemed furious, we hadnt been asked by Andy,the guy in charge (looks like Jonathon Creek) if we were happy to have someone else and of course Helen hadnt bothered asking us about Alice. Rich knew Alice better then me and he was really worked up. Rich is one of the coolest people I know. I'm not just saying that cos he's gonna read this (he'd better tho) but he never yells (unless its 3am in the morning,drunk in his room questioning why ASDA place their Jaffa Cakes in the cake aisle,while they are a biscuit) Pretty soon,we were having a meeting with a very tired Andy. Thanks to Rich,we got the option to move out....
Question was where too...Then Rob came down and told us Tom was leaving,meaning we could move up into 502 and have a guy flat.

Ledge..

The next morning me and Rich checked with Andy who had rung head office. I've not been that nervous for a long time....

We had to pay £50 which was a pain,but it was fine,the next 4 days we spent moving our stuff up,and now we have an all guys flat. This means the blog should be more entertaining so its all win win.

As I mentioned before once,I listed 21 things I hated about Helen.. I'm tempted to list them..but some may say its bullying,so if you have any opinions list them and I'll think about it.

It's taken me 8 hours to make this post,so if it's taken you longer to read it you really have to question your commitment!

Anyway I'm tired and Jamie wants me to dress as a robber for his art project..... As I speak he's decimating my fav white t - shirt with black stripes....

Byeeeee

Word of the Day - Emigration